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Category Funny Football Quote

2007 03 09 Retrieve

[Sung at Bury games most weeks!] Chim-chimminy, chim chimminy chim chim cheroo, who needs Steve Gerrard when we’ve got Marc Pugh?

2007 03 09b Retrieve

[Chris Waddle commentating on Bolton v Arsenal in the FA Cup on Five Live] Arsenal’s first touch and movement is amazing. I hope the people listening are watching this

2007 03 09c Retrieve

[Roy Keane on Nyron Nosworthy] Now that Nos has switched to centreback, he’s got much less time on the ball, which is best for all concerned

2007 03 09d Retrieve

[Norwich midfielder Dickson Etuhu after the 4-0 FA Cup defeat by Chelsea] What was incredible was going into the Chelsea dressing room to have a chat and swap shirts. It’s bigger than my house!

2007 03 09e Retrieve

[Macclesfield boss Paul Ince after the 2-1 win over Peterborough spared Rover for another week] Sometimes you want to crack open the champagne and sometimes you want to kick the dog

2007 03 09f Retrieve

[Ipswich boss Jim Magilton on referee Steve Bennett, whose decisions, Town fans felt, cost their side a place in the FA Cup quarter-finals] He’s obviously had a mid-season break or the sun bed has been working well. He looked lovely and brown and he is a handsome man

2007 03 09g Retrieve

[Plymouth manager Ian Holloway on reaching the FA Cup quarter-finals] I’m like a badger at the start of the pairing-up season

2007 03 09h Retrieve

[Arsene Wenger explains his football philosophy] When you’re dealing with someone who only has a pair of underpants on, if you take his underpants off, he has nothing left - he’s naked. You’re better off trying to find him a pair of trousers to complement him rather than change him

2007 11 13 Retrieve

[Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport] You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box

2007 11 13b Retrieve

[Celtic manager Gordon Strachan rips into the media] You people sometimes are like those serial killers you see in films who cut out the words ‘I am going to get you’ or ‘your wife is next’

2007 11 13c Retrieve

[It’s squeaky-bum time for Bristol City boss Gary Johnson, who promised to bare his backside in a shop window if Liam Fontaine ever scored - which he did against Wolves] Liam has worked hard on his finishing but I can’t believe he wanted to see my backside so much!

2007 11 13d Retrieve

[Dundee boss Alex Rae after they came from behind to win again] If I had any hair, I’d be pulling it out

2015 07 11 Retrieve

[Hristo Sakantiev, an 83-year-old who made a 5,000km round trip by bus to watch Bulgarian minnows Beroe play in Lithuania in the UEFA Europa League, jokes (presumably!) on what he will do if the Bulgarian minnows make it to Milan] If we reach the final I will go on foot

2015 08 15 Retrieve

[Serge from Kasabian, a diehard Leicester City fan, on Claudio Ranieri using the rock band’s songs to inspire the side] We’ve done some mad things. We’ve been doing this a few years. But that’s up there with the ultimate. I’ll give all the awards back, everything. I wouldn’t swap [Ranieri’s words] for anything. That’ll do me that. We were in Bulgaria, so we managed to find somewhere that was showing the game. We watched the game, which was incredible. For him to say that on Match of the Day … wow. Wow

2015 10 31 Retrieve

[A Barnsley Fire Station spokesperson confirms that a Tykes supporter who had a bit too much to drink needed to be rescued after waking up on a toilet and making a failed attempt to escape from a locked-up Oakwell following Barnsley’s 1-0 loss to Fleetwood Town at the weekend] We had to get the ladder to get him down. He had no shoes on and had lost his mobile phone and his hat. He was more bothered about his hat though, he seemed a smartly dressed lad. I know Barnsley lost again but it can’t be that bad. It’s slightly embarrassing for the lad but it’s a lesson for him I’m sure, he’ll not be quick to forget it

2016 01 16 Retrieve

[Manchester United fan James Nesbitt revealed ahead of hosting the Gala that there was a chance the sight of the former Red Devils’ star could disrupt his professional demeanour. Fortunately on the night he did, largely, keep his emotions in check] There’s always the chance that I might break out into a rash or start crying at the moment I start seeing Ronaldo. I’m planning to play it quite cool, but I’m sure that won’t be the case on the night

2016 03 12 Retrieve

[University of Leicester geology student Richard Hoyle explains the seismic activity near the King Power Stadium] A few days after we installed the equipment at the school and were analysing data collected, we noticed large peaks on the seismogram during football matches being held in the stadium nearby. A closer look showed us there was a strong correlation between the exact time Leicester scored at home and the occurrence of the large seismic signals. We concluded our equipment was measuring small earthquakes produced by the sudden energy release by the cheering Leicester fans celebrating at the moment a goal was scored

2016 03 12b Retrieve

[Brondby coach Thomas Frank discusses his decision to resign after club chairman Jan Bech Andersen posted negative comments about him in an online forum using his son’s username] It is no secret that the relationship between Jan and me has been strained from time to time, and after the last days of massive media attention, he and I had a talk. Based on that talk, I have chosen to end the cooperation

2016 03 26 Retrieve

[Leicester City super fan Lee Jobber explaining why he wears a shirt in colder temperatures while supporting his club after a close scrape with hypothermia a few years ago] If I’m dead, I can’t go to the game. So, I have to look after myself a little bit

2016 04 23 Retrieve

[Rochdale’s Callum Camps discovered during the game that he had left his car lights on. However, he went on to open the scoring in the 1-1 draw with Gillingham] I was listening to the PA because the ball was out of play, and as soon as I heard the reg I was thinking: ‘That’s my number plate’. I thought I’d blocked someone in, so I said to [team-mate] Jamie Allen: ‘That’s my car, that,’ and he said: ‘What?’ I said again: ‘That’s my car they’ve just called out.’ I looked over to Kevin Gibbins [the head of sports science] and said: ‘My car’s just been read out, can you sort it out?’

2016 06 11 Retrieve

[Israel forward Munas Dabbur talks about facing the stars of Spain and Italy when the European qualifying competition for the 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia™ gets under way in September] I didn’t think I’d ever be able play them on anything other than PlayStation

2016 06 25 Retrieve

[Pershagen SK defender Adam Lindin Ljungkvist describing how flatulence led to his sending off] I had a bad stomach, so I simply let go. Then I received two yellow cards and then red. Yes, I was shocked, it’s the strangest thing I have ever experienced in football. I asked the referee, ‘What, am I not allowed to break wind a little?’ ‘No,’ he replied. I don’t get it but maybe he thought I farted in my hand and threw the fart at him. But I did not

2016 11 05 Retrieve

[New York Red Bulls fan Paul Vernick tells about running into star midfielder Sacha Kljestan while trick-or-treating in New Jersey] As we got right in front of him he bent down to ask his daughter a question. ‘Who do these people look like?’ His daughter responded ‘Daddy!’ That made everyone laugh, and his wife asked if we wanted a picture

2018 02 24 Retrieve

[Queen of the South assistant manager Dougie Anderson talks about an injury back-up goalkeeper Jack Leighfield sustained on his father’s farm] Sam has missed training this week. It could have been worse as the cow ran at him for a second time but he managed to get out of the way. He has a sore shoulder so he is getting closely monitored and a lot of treatment as we do not want to go into the game without a goalkeeper on the bench

2018 03 10 Retrieve

[Hemel Hempstead Town match reporter Allan Mitchell describes an amusing moment in which the referee mistook Sanchez Watt’s name for dissent] The referee kept asking Hershel for his name, to which he replied ‘Watt’. The conversation then continued along the lines of: ‘Name?’, ‘Watt’, ‘NAME?’ ‘Watt’, etc. After a few seconds, the frustrated official clearly felt the mick was being taken and produced a red card. At this point, Hemel skipper Jordan Parkes joined the conversation and, with the player, explained that his name was indeed Watt and no mickey was being taken. The referee, to his credit then realised the error, saw the funny side and reversed his decision. He then trotted over to our bench and to East Thurrock’s to explain

2018 11 22 Retrieve

[Paul Maguire on odd ways to officiate] One referee in our local league, upon issuing a red card to a substitute for calling him a joke (me), then decided our team needed to also lose an outfield player as a result. Confusion as well as mirth reigned as he wandered around the park looking for someone – anyone - to clarify the law. It must have made him somewhat hungry, as at half-time he drove off into town to McDonald’s before returning replenished for a delayed second half. Not the same ref, however, who gave a corner as a consequence of encroachment on a penalty kick. Ah, small-town New Zealand football

2018 11 22b Retrieve

[Matt Dony on his own internal monologue] Every time I see an advert for a gambling company that signs off with ‘Please gamble responsibly’, I respond in my mind with: ‘Please gamble as fecklessly as possible’. The phrase kept turning over in my head, and I’m well aware that I didn’t come up with it. A quick bit of investigation revealed it was from a Fiver published in December 2014. Congratulations. You have been a part of my internal monologue for almost four years. I loathe myself

2018 11 24 Retrieve

[Thubelihle Shamase offers a frank assessment of twin sister Sphumelele’s performance in Ghana’s 0-0 draw with Mexico at the FIFA U-17 Women’s World Cup] It was, without a doubt, one of the worst matches of your life

2018 12 22 Retrieve

[Jacco Fluk tells about a fan-driven campaign idea he had to lure Arjen Robben back to Groningen - one of his efforts included driving a turnip truck into the city with the message ‘Arjen, follow your heart’] Maybe the whole north of the Netherlands is dreaming of a return

2019 01 05 Retrieve

[Adil Rami recalls an interaction he had with President of Croatia Kolinda Grabar-Kitarovic after Les Bleus’ 4-2 victory over Croatia in the World Cup Final] After the World Cup Final, the president of Croatia looked at me and said ‘nice moustache’. And I told her, ‘I love Mykonos’. I don’t know why but I’ve always confused Greece and Croatia. She said ‘thank you’ and she left. Then, Olivier Giroud looks at me and says: ‘Are you stupid? Mykonos is Greece’. I told him, ‘Oh god, I don’t know anymore. It’s okay, I’m world champion!’

2019 01 26 Retrieve

[Nate Patrick shares a story about his parents unknowingly meeting Manchester United players on the train] These lads knew they were making a bit of noise, so they come up to mum and dad, and apologised, and asked if they’d like a photo. Dad is like, ‘oh, that’s nice’, and gives one of the gentlemen his phone for this stranger to take a photo of mum and dad on this train from Manchester. The stranger looks weirdly at my dad, and says [with a French accent] ‘No, no, no, I am asking if you would like a photo with me, sir?’ My dad looks at my mum like ‘who on earth does this guy think he is?’. But also my dad is mega-polite and obliges to be in the photo. Having read through all of these messages, my dad sends through the photo, and asks ‘Nathan, you wouldn’t happen to know who this is?’

2019 04 20 Retrieve

[Wigan fan Keiran Crompton is making good on his vow to walk 58 miles backwards to Leeds if his Latics beat Aston Villa and scored three goals (they won 3-0)] We’ve got the end in sight. We’re just outside of Burnley now, and then we’re going to do 22 miles again tomorrow to Halifax. Then we’ll be left with 14 miles, then the trek into Leeds

2019 04 20b Retrieve

[When Leeds United netted a winner against Sheffield Wednesday, supporter Matt Richardson suffered a broken ankle celebrating but refused to leave the match until the end] I looked down and I thought, ‘I probably need to go hospital,’ but my main priority was to carry on watching the game. I called the paramedics over but I made it clear that I was staying to watch the full 90 minutes. I was more interested in the fact Leeds are going to the Premier League!

2019 05 04 Retrieve

[Norwich City supporter Shun Tomii spoke about how him and his wife Maiko gave their newborn son Kiraku the middle name ‘Farkelife’ after the song supporters sing in honour of head coach Daniel Farke, five days before the Canaries sealed promotion back to the Premier League] In Japan we don’t put middle names – it’s a European thing. I wanted something English or something related to Norwich and in support of Norwich. My wife said to me ‘what about Farkelife?’

2019 07 27 Retrieve

Young British holidaymaker Mackenzie O’Neill had a trip he will never forget after getting to play football with the Messis, after Leo invited him to have a kickabout with sons Thiago and Mateo

2019 08 17 Retrieve

[Joe Cooper, stepdad of Louis Fowler, tells a story of his son and an unlikely encounter with Mohamed Salah] Unfortunately Louis went straight into a lamp-post while running after the car and busted his nose when he hit the floor. We were still trying to work out what had happened when Mo arrived. He’d seen one of the boys had hurt himself and he had the decency to drive back into the close to check that he was OK. No-one could believe it. Everyone was gobsmacked. Mo asked if the boys were all right and gave them a big hug which was what they both needed. They were made up and Louis forgot all about being injured

2019 08 24 Retrieve

[Romanian fourth division referee Gyorgi Duma gleefully accepted fellow referee Marius Matica’s on-field marriage proposal immediately before the two were set to officiate a match] I did not expect it. It was an extraordinarily pleasant surprise

2019 08 24b Retrieve

[50-year-old Clyde manager Danny Lennon speaks after he had to substitute himself into his side’s 3-1 win over Celtic Colts in the Glasgow Cup] This game makes you do daft things at times! It’s something I’m not overly keen to do but just in the state we were in and the commitment we have made, I think it was certainly in the best interests of our squad. I’d do it again if called upon but I’m hoping I don’t have to. I’m going to go and look and negotiate a contract in the mirror with myself

2019 11 30 Retrieve

[Newcastle Jets fan Ashley Treseder recalls the moment he suffered a life-changing injury, which has seen the Australian football community come to his aid] I was walking to the car, but then I turned back and said, ‘I’m gonna have one last jump’. There’s a pier. There’s probably 20 kids at a time jumping off. I’d done that same pier easily a dozen times before. I hadn’t realised, but this time it was lower than low-tide. I thought I’d crashed into cement